Events of Last Night.

I shared this blog with one friend today, she hasn't said anything about it yet and soon she's probably going to read this. Terrifying, but it gets comfortable knowing there's someone who is okay with knowing all these horrible things about me.
I had a panic attack or something last night, and I luckily remember everything really clearly. Well, I guess it's luck. I was freaking out because of T and then I weighed myself and, with food and fluid weight, I was a lot more than I should've been. I flipped out while I was talking to two of my friends (one whom is the one reading this) and I kept shifting between being extremely frustrated to depression to manically happy. It got quite scary for one of my friends, I think, especially since he's a very innocent Christian boy and I pretty much shot profanities at him like a sailor.
I'm 60.8kg tonight again, and this morning I was like 59.9kgs.

I feel like killing myself. I'm never going to be beautiful. I'm never going to be thin.

I'm never going to be loved.
I'm going to forget about T.

I also found Mr Red on facebook today. I'm going to forget about him too. There's no way he would ever be interested in a fat shit like me.

The more I think about it, the more I hate myself, the more I can't stand my life, but I'm trying to stay stable tonight so I can't think about this, and I have work tomorrow and I need to sleep so.

Nights.

Going Mental Here!

Okay, So i just developed a crush on someone two years my junior (From now known as T). He's one of the musicians in an up and coming pop punk band and he's really funny and really nice to talk to. Problem is I've only started to talk to him about two days ago and I feel like the only reason I started crushing on him is because I thought he was flirting with me. When this happens to tend to do stupid things, and I just called him for no reason and yabbered about something for thirty seconds. It's the hour of the morning and he has to be in the studio tomorrow. He was so tired he didn't know who I was OR what I was talking about.

However, when I said bye he asked me if he was gonna get a call at 5am (because I was joking to him before about calling him at that time to annoy him) and I said no. All of this was said jokingly. But the problem is, I'm freaking out because now I think he thinks I'm a freak. I also cracked a really bad joke before about how he wouldn't answer me straight out when I asked about his grade (I'm in uni) because he liked me. Then it was awkward.

I don't know what I'm going on about. I wish he'd call.

Quick message about today.

I think I went over my calorie limit today. Ew. I feel really bloated.

That being said, Me, A and J went shopping today and I bought (and fit into perfectly) a size 8 top from this really amazing store that I love called Forever New.

I'm so happy.

10 more kgs to go, but.

A rant because I hate 'professionals'.

Another party, more food, more weight. Just weighted myself and somehow got to 62.2kg. I swear, If I'm not at the max 60.5kg tomorrow morning (Hopefully with the weight being water weight and not more fat on my fat) then there is no way I'm even going to go to that seafood buffet with my family. Not that I intended on eating much anyway, but if I'm not 60.5kg by then, I'm staying at home to exercise and run circles around my lounge. Anything.
I had a thought last night as I was in the car with A and J. I apologize in advance if this isn't your fault.

There's no such thing as 'recovery'. To 'fix' a non-physical problem is impossible. To try to get rid of a problem is ridiculous, because problems all lie in your head and you can't fix your head. All these medical 'treatments' and psychologists are wasting their time trying to bury a problem away just because society has a problem with it - they try to bury an unfixable problem and hope that it never resurfaces.
You know what 'recovery' should be? Learning to live with your problems.
I have issues, I know. I'm depressed, I'm psychotic, I have EDNOS, I'm fragile, I'm paranoid and anxious, I hallucinate, I have manic attacks, I'm suicidal - but I don't mind. It hurts, it's dangerous but that's just who I am and how I am. I've learnt to live with it and they should too - don't try to tell me I can't be an absolute fuck up because I am one. Don't fucking try to tell me who I can or cannot be, who I should or should not be. I don't fucking need help, or a cure, some analysis or some bloody emotionally numbing drugs - I don't fucking need no professional.

I am my own recovery.

LOVEISALLAROUND!

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!

I've had a great helluva day. Went out to see the fireworks with A and J, got checked out by a few guys, got to play around with my eye contact game, took pretty photos and altogether feel too incredibly happy to be logical.
HA! I love life. I ate sushi, gelato and some McDonalds chips and I still feel happy! I love everyone.

Scared Witless.

Called J, A wants to stick to her own plans. She told J she was going to call me but so far she hasn't and now she isn't answering her phone. Guess I really am completely worthless.
I don't have much to say tonight, I binged and I'm really scared of what I'm going to see on the scale tomorrow morning. I ate everything in about 3 minutes. I don't know what's wrong with me. I did something embarrassing and said embarrassing things to P (Guy I used to like and am still attracted to) last night because I was having a psychotic attack thing. I don't know.
I'm scared.

Calories: 1150 (WHAT THE FUCK!)

I have work at 7.30 am tomorrow. I feel like tomorrow should never come.

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	High
Dysthymia:	Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:	Extremely High
Cyclothymia:	Very High
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	Moderate
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test

Horrible Horrible Night.

I'm cancelling my plans for NYE. I know I was really looking forward to being out with A and J but it turns out that they don't actually want to be there and would rather be out all night with others. I honestly thought it could just be the three of us, best friends since the start of high school, together, you know? Like we always said we would be. Turns out it wasn't true. I know neither of them have actually said anything but I can tell through their actions and I'm not gonna force them to be seen in public with a fat ugly thing like me, they do have a good reputation to hold up and I'm just a mess.
I don't deserve to be happy and out with my friends, not when I can't even keep food away, not when I'm sitting here crying cause I'm some sick, sad, lonely, weak bitch. I don't deserve any of that. It's right for it all to be taken away.

Today was about 900 calories. Good. I was under.

Fuck, I'm pathetic. I hate myself. Gonna cry myself to sleep now.