LOVEISALLAROUND!

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!

I've had a great helluva day. Went out to see the fireworks with A and J, got checked out by a few guys, got to play around with my eye contact game, took pretty photos and altogether feel too incredibly happy to be logical.
HA! I love life. I ate sushi, gelato and some McDonalds chips and I still feel happy! I love everyone.

Scared Witless.

Called J, A wants to stick to her own plans. She told J she was going to call me but so far she hasn't and now she isn't answering her phone. Guess I really am completely worthless.
I don't have much to say tonight, I binged and I'm really scared of what I'm going to see on the scale tomorrow morning. I ate everything in about 3 minutes. I don't know what's wrong with me. I did something embarrassing and said embarrassing things to P (Guy I used to like and am still attracted to) last night because I was having a psychotic attack thing. I don't know.
I'm scared.

Calories: 1150 (WHAT THE FUCK!)

I have work at 7.30 am tomorrow. I feel like tomorrow should never come.

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	High
Dysthymia:	Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:	Extremely High
Cyclothymia:	Very High
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	Moderate
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test

Horrible Horrible Night.

I'm cancelling my plans for NYE. I know I was really looking forward to being out with A and J but it turns out that they don't actually want to be there and would rather be out all night with others. I honestly thought it could just be the three of us, best friends since the start of high school, together, you know? Like we always said we would be. Turns out it wasn't true. I know neither of them have actually said anything but I can tell through their actions and I'm not gonna force them to be seen in public with a fat ugly thing like me, they do have a good reputation to hold up and I'm just a mess.
I don't deserve to be happy and out with my friends, not when I can't even keep food away, not when I'm sitting here crying cause I'm some sick, sad, lonely, weak bitch. I don't deserve any of that. It's right for it all to be taken away.

Today was about 900 calories. Good. I was under.

Fuck, I'm pathetic. I hate myself. Gonna cry myself to sleep now.

Wishful message from Bailey.

I wish I wasn't so fat - then I could be confident that it's actually good for my friends to be seen out with me. If I wasn't so fat, I'd actually go out and meet people, fall in love, laugh and date someone I genuinely love, instead of watching from afar.

I'm 15 kgs away from happiness.

Another kg off the hips.

I weighed myself this morning and I seem to have hit 60kg, however many lbs that is. I'm pretty ecstatic about it, but I have so much more to lose. I've heard no news about Mr Red yet since H hasn't had a shift. I've been feeling so lonely lately. Last night I had the weirdest nightmare about being psychotic and on mood stabilizers and having nightmares that gave me sleep paralysis, as well as being a slow changer and being left behind in the opening act of a dance concert. How odd it is.

So far, I've had one Herbalife shake and a boiled egg (about 200 calories in total.) I should be having another Herbalife shake in about 20 minutes.

OMG I forgot to take my pills. I'll blog tonight.

A potentially New Male Character.

I was talking to my best guy friend today, H, about this very attractive customer I had at work. I knew that he worked for the same company, like H does, as me so I was describing him a few weeks back. It turned out that he, from now on known as Mr Red, worked at H's branch. As a favor to me, he had asked and checked to see whether it was really him. It was. When H told him a friend of his thought that he was hot (I'm not ashamed about this, I do. He kind of looks like a rockstar and he's really friendly too. Plus he was carrying a guitar so definite brownie points.) Upon that question being asked, Mr Red asked if it was me that was his friend. Being a stupid idiot H had replied no, and that it was just some other girl nearby. I'm not too sure what else went on in that conversation but H seems to be under the impression that Mr Red thinks I'm cute. I don't know why he would, considering the fat factor and the whole me being in my work uniform with a dorky ponytail and minimal make up, but it would be amazing if it was true.
For the past few years, I've always been involved with a different person at the end of each year and they typically impact upon me more then whoever I meet at the duration of the year. It's an odd concept but it's true. I haven't met anyone since The Ex so this year was lookin quite lonely, unless Mr Red really does want a cameo in the life of a messed up fat ass with cut scars. Who knows. He's definitely my type though, which is kind of... Ooft! Okay fine, he's adorable and beautiful. And I want him.
I asked H to tell Mr Red that it was me and to ask if he's on a relationship at the moment since he was dating one of the branch supervisors before (I heard she's hot. Sighs. I am such a disgusting fat waste of space, but whatever.) If he's single and miraculously interested, then I get a number and we potentially have a new man in Bailey's sad life.

Fingers crossed?

Today I ate: One Herbalife shake, one Weightwatchers meal, Three pieces of sashimi and a half bowl of Chinese lettuce. Four litres of water. About 1000 calories.

Fuckk. I better do better tomorrow. One or two shakes and a simpler dinner. Please.

Post - Boxing Days.

Why are clothes not cheaper? I found a really nice skirt and a pair of skorts that I wanted to buy, and I've been dying for a pair of skorts, but they were both too expensive. I did end up with one skirt though, and it's quite nice - plus I should be doing some vintage/op shopping with my friend K in another week or two. Also, I went to get weighed today. I hate that the scale in the office adds about another 2 lbs to my body, it makes me feel so bloody disgusting. Sometimes, I don't even know why I continue to bother buying nice clothes, dressing up and read all of these fashion magazines - it's aspirational, yes, but I keep feeling like I'm never going to make it there.

Today I ate:

- One Herbalife Shake (130 cal)
-Two Sushi Rolls (304 cal each) Holy Crap. Are you serious!? My favourite food just got destroyed, wish I could just rip it out of my stomach now.

And a half bowl of rice and soup (Water, Lettuce and a bit of salt - no oil).

This is getting pathetic. Overall I've probably had a good 1000 calories today, I know it's less than my required 1200 calories but I was hoping to be under today.
I'm ashamed of myself. Why do I eat so much when I want to be thin? Why do I know how fat I am, feel how fat I am and continue to mentally torture myself with my Depression and EDNOS (Now EDNOS, Ana back in the days) but physically still eat so bloody much? Sometimes I feel like I should just close my PT account, why do I even have a PT account when everyone is so much more beautiful and thinner than me?

Why? Why?


Why?

Morning Ravings.

So I'm sitting here at the computer this kinda morning and waiting for people to get ready so I can go out and get measured as well as finish my shopping already. This morning I had my Herbalife shake, which is like 110 calories, maybe 130 with the protein powder, so technically I'm not doing too badly. But why is it that even when I have little but flavoured shake made of no milk, just water, in me, I still feel like this big lumpy space hogger? Ergh, I'm still so fat, wish I could lose weight faster but I know I have to stick by the Herbalife plan, otherwise I'll yo-yo like I did back when I was Ana.
I'm not saying my ED is gone now, it's obviously not, but weirdly enough I'm finding that it's not a 'physical' ED anymore? Does that make any sense? Mentally, my obsession with watching my weight and the need to be beautiful (but who doesn't need to be beautiful? Beautiful is beautiful)  is the same, if not stronger, than when I was with Ana back in year 9 or so. Who knows.
I'm going to be changing everything on my PT account today so it's also untraceable. So worried about family or friends finding it, God knows that they love to google me and see what I'm up to. I'll continue to be using the name Bailey Rose (For those who are confused, Bailey Rose isn't my real name, but I love it anyway) for the sake of tricking google.

Oh shit. They're ready.
Wish me luck guys - please I want to be as beautiful as her!

Lying in bed- thinking?

I was doing my usual examination of my body today and I realized that just under my breast, where my bra ends, my rib bone sticks out oddly. Not because I'm thin for something but as though it's deformed. I really wish it wouldn't do that and that my rib cage would sit firmly flush - it makes me feel so friggin fat. As thought it wasn't bad enough that I tried those semi high waist floral shorts on at Glue today and made it so obvious to everyone in the store that I'm plain too fat for those shorts, now the structure of my stupid ribs is betraying me. Also, I remember back when I was dropping to 114 lbs in year 9 and my stomach was pretty enough (but not pretty enough. How fat is 114 lbs on a 15 year old, seriously! And those photos of me back then, my God I looked like one of those fat pirates in a wife beater. Disgusting.) I was able to stick my fingers almost to the second knuckle under my pelvic bone. Why can't I do that anymore?
Oh. Right. I'm fat.

Great.

Weight: Still atrociously fat.
Room: Messy, Boring and as Uncharacteristic as hell.
Energy levels: Low. I'm sleepy.

Going for my Herbalife weighing and measurement tomorrow. Hopefully things will improve and I'll be slightly less fat and undesirable. This is exactly why all A, J, A2 and T are being pursued (mostly by the men they actually like back) and I'm lying around in bed without someone to think about. I swear, please let me be at least 110 lbs by the time I go back to College. I want jaws to drop. I want M to hate the fact that he let me go.
I want people to realize that I'm not just a mate. I can be pretty too. Like that Girl. I can be just as pretty as that girl, smarter than her and more fun that her.
Please God. Please.

Boxing Day Sales.

So today I ended up going to the Sales with J and A instead of my parents - everything went quite smoothly and it was probably more fun with them than people who are gonna judge my every selection before I even try it on. However, I had a bit of a blow today with some news regarding a close friend of mine which I'm not allowed to, and won't, disclose. Even in a blog that no one reads. But I've now figured that the subject in this situation is smart enough to deal with it on their own, and it's really not a problem that affects me - I just hope things turn out well and no one gets hurt.
I should be going back up to get weighed and measured tomorrow as well as to return a few dodgy choices and to shop more. This time with my mum. I think things will be better - I honestly believe that last night was a result of PMS. Even the whole crying to sleep about a certain someone only loving me when I'm thinner and prettier, but I know I'm never gonna be pretty. I don't have the face for pretty anyway.
Now I'm sitting in my living room watching Titanic which is on the Telly. We're up to the part where the ship begins to sink and I'm honestly just waitin fr my heart to explode with sadness. Great movie though, everything is so beautiful - even moreso for me since I'm a vintage/hipster fashion addict. Wonderful.
We'll world, goodnight for now. I hope tomorrow is just as good.

Gained: half a pound (fat arse)
Spent: $400 ish.

Christmas? Yeah right.

Seems a little bit sad, you know. Sitting here blogging on Christmas when I should be out there having fun - but I guess almost every celebratory day is like this for me, at least it is when it concerned my parents. I'm Bailey Rose, nineteen, and I basically started this blog today because I'm made it un-googleable by my friends and family. No one is going to read this and no one is going to care about this. Actually, I kind of hope someone does read this, but probably someone I don't personally know because everything I personally know thinks I'm some sort of crazy attention hogger or something anyway.
Tonight was hard. Isn't it funny that they expect everyone to be a nice big happy family and spend all these occasions together when in reality you're all just pushing each other further away? For Christmas, I don't get presents, I don't get a Merry Christmas, I don't get any sort of happiness from my parents (better than my birthday, my own father's forgotten how old I am and I didn't even get a "Happy Birthday". Mum took me to see a musical though, but I had to order and pay for the tickets myself). My grandparents think I'm trouble and seem to be constantly watching me, expecting me to, I don't know, pull out a bong or something at any moment (I'm clean, damn it!). Every time I eat, I'm constantly reminded by everyone around me about how I'm fat, ugly or something. And does it help that I'm having a fucking argument with my parent over going out with my friends tomorrow after our shopping trip, she's threatening to slap me across my fugly face, and my goddamn family member won't fucking stop taking photos of me when I'm not looking, not in the goddamn mood. I hate taking photos of myself and I was about seconds away from punching him in the bloody face. So I walked away.
Sometimes, I really do hate my life. I don't deserve to hate my life, I have a house and I can afford to buy what I want/need (I pay my own way through life and I work for my own money or rely on government hand-outs, I just live with my family still). But it doesn't make it go away. Nothing seems to ever make it go away. I've been told on multiple occasions that it's obvious that I'm depressed, so maybe I am, what difference is it ever going to make if there's no one around me that cares anyway? Tonight, I needed someone to tell this to, and I guess it's best to do it on a blog that no one's gonna read. I thought about messaging the few friends I have that I can actually rely on, but everyone should be having a good time and A is probably still with J anyway. As usual, I'm on the outside. But it's okay, it's all my own fault anyway.
I keep looking at those scars on my wrist and thinking, just maybe you know? Like, one time wouldn't be that damaging right? Just one cut down my arm. No, maybe on the top of my thigh, I got caught with my wrist the last time, and I work where people ar constantly exposed to my arm. The top of my thigh is more secretive. But I promised that Boy that I wouldn't do it, and I should be keeping my promise. At least he can make me believe that someone cares right?
I don't know what to do anymore, I just wish everything would stop already. I'm going to the Boxing day sales tomorrow, with the wrong people and at a time much too late to actually find much worth buying, but what ever, my Christmas is (as usual) fucked up, might as well fuck everything else up as well.

CW: 135lbs
GW1: 110lbs
UGW: 99lbs

BMI: 25 (Fat)