Wishful message from Bailey.

I wish I wasn't so fat - then I could be confident that it's actually good for my friends to be seen out with me. If I wasn't so fat, I'd actually go out and meet people, fall in love, laugh and date someone I genuinely love, instead of watching from afar.

I'm 15 kgs away from happiness.

Another kg off the hips.

I weighed myself this morning and I seem to have hit 60kg, however many lbs that is. I'm pretty ecstatic about it, but I have so much more to lose. I've heard no news about Mr Red yet since H hasn't had a shift. I've been feeling so lonely lately. Last night I had the weirdest nightmare about being psychotic and on mood stabilizers and having nightmares that gave me sleep paralysis, as well as being a slow changer and being left behind in the opening act of a dance concert. How odd it is.

So far, I've had one Herbalife shake and a boiled egg (about 200 calories in total.) I should be having another Herbalife shake in about 20 minutes.

OMG I forgot to take my pills. I'll blog tonight.

A potentially New Male Character.

I was talking to my best guy friend today, H, about this very attractive customer I had at work. I knew that he worked for the same company, like H does, as me so I was describing him a few weeks back. It turned out that he, from now on known as Mr Red, worked at H's branch. As a favor to me, he had asked and checked to see whether it was really him. It was. When H told him a friend of his thought that he was hot (I'm not ashamed about this, I do. He kind of looks like a rockstar and he's really friendly too. Plus he was carrying a guitar so definite brownie points.) Upon that question being asked, Mr Red asked if it was me that was his friend. Being a stupid idiot H had replied no, and that it was just some other girl nearby. I'm not too sure what else went on in that conversation but H seems to be under the impression that Mr Red thinks I'm cute. I don't know why he would, considering the fat factor and the whole me being in my work uniform with a dorky ponytail and minimal make up, but it would be amazing if it was true.
For the past few years, I've always been involved with a different person at the end of each year and they typically impact upon me more then whoever I meet at the duration of the year. It's an odd concept but it's true. I haven't met anyone since The Ex so this year was lookin quite lonely, unless Mr Red really does want a cameo in the life of a messed up fat ass with cut scars. Who knows. He's definitely my type though, which is kind of... Ooft! Okay fine, he's adorable and beautiful. And I want him.
I asked H to tell Mr Red that it was me and to ask if he's on a relationship at the moment since he was dating one of the branch supervisors before (I heard she's hot. Sighs. I am such a disgusting fat waste of space, but whatever.) If he's single and miraculously interested, then I get a number and we potentially have a new man in Bailey's sad life.

Fingers crossed?

Today I ate: One Herbalife shake, one Weightwatchers meal, Three pieces of sashimi and a half bowl of Chinese lettuce. Four litres of water. About 1000 calories.

Fuckk. I better do better tomorrow. One or two shakes and a simpler dinner. Please.

Post - Boxing Days.

Why are clothes not cheaper? I found a really nice skirt and a pair of skorts that I wanted to buy, and I've been dying for a pair of skorts, but they were both too expensive. I did end up with one skirt though, and it's quite nice - plus I should be doing some vintage/op shopping with my friend K in another week or two. Also, I went to get weighed today. I hate that the scale in the office adds about another 2 lbs to my body, it makes me feel so bloody disgusting. Sometimes, I don't even know why I continue to bother buying nice clothes, dressing up and read all of these fashion magazines - it's aspirational, yes, but I keep feeling like I'm never going to make it there.

Today I ate:

- One Herbalife Shake (130 cal)
-Two Sushi Rolls (304 cal each) Holy Crap. Are you serious!? My favourite food just got destroyed, wish I could just rip it out of my stomach now.

And a half bowl of rice and soup (Water, Lettuce and a bit of salt - no oil).

This is getting pathetic. Overall I've probably had a good 1000 calories today, I know it's less than my required 1200 calories but I was hoping to be under today.
I'm ashamed of myself. Why do I eat so much when I want to be thin? Why do I know how fat I am, feel how fat I am and continue to mentally torture myself with my Depression and EDNOS (Now EDNOS, Ana back in the days) but physically still eat so bloody much? Sometimes I feel like I should just close my PT account, why do I even have a PT account when everyone is so much more beautiful and thinner than me?

Why? Why?


Why?

Morning Ravings.

So I'm sitting here at the computer this kinda morning and waiting for people to get ready so I can go out and get measured as well as finish my shopping already. This morning I had my Herbalife shake, which is like 110 calories, maybe 130 with the protein powder, so technically I'm not doing too badly. But why is it that even when I have little but flavoured shake made of no milk, just water, in me, I still feel like this big lumpy space hogger? Ergh, I'm still so fat, wish I could lose weight faster but I know I have to stick by the Herbalife plan, otherwise I'll yo-yo like I did back when I was Ana.
I'm not saying my ED is gone now, it's obviously not, but weirdly enough I'm finding that it's not a 'physical' ED anymore? Does that make any sense? Mentally, my obsession with watching my weight and the need to be beautiful (but who doesn't need to be beautiful? Beautiful is beautiful)  is the same, if not stronger, than when I was with Ana back in year 9 or so. Who knows.
I'm going to be changing everything on my PT account today so it's also untraceable. So worried about family or friends finding it, God knows that they love to google me and see what I'm up to. I'll continue to be using the name Bailey Rose (For those who are confused, Bailey Rose isn't my real name, but I love it anyway) for the sake of tricking google.

Oh shit. They're ready.
Wish me luck guys - please I want to be as beautiful as her!