Saturday, January 8, 2011

Events of Last Night.

I shared this blog with one friend today, she hasn't said anything about it yet and soon she's probably going to read this. Terrifying, but it gets comfortable knowing there's someone who is okay with knowing all these horrible things about me.
I had a panic attack or something last night, and I luckily remember everything really clearly. Well, I guess it's luck. I was freaking out because of T and then I weighed myself and, with food and fluid weight, I was a lot more than I should've been. I flipped out while I was talking to two of my friends (one whom is the one reading this) and I kept shifting between being extremely frustrated to depression to manically happy. It got quite scary for one of my friends, I think, especially since he's a very innocent Christian boy and I pretty much shot profanities at him like a sailor.
I'm 60.8kg tonight again, and this morning I was like 59.9kgs.

I feel like killing myself. I'm never going to be beautiful. I'm never going to be thin.

I'm never going to be loved.
I'm going to forget about T.

I also found Mr Red on facebook today. I'm going to forget about him too. There's no way he would ever be interested in a fat shit like me.

The more I think about it, the more I hate myself, the more I can't stand my life, but I'm trying to stay stable tonight so I can't think about this, and I have work tomorrow and I need to sleep so.

Nights.

1 comment:

  1. hey, I hope you're feeling a little better?
    you already beautiful-don't hurt yourself :l

    i hope your friend reacts in a positive way- also, the weight gain- it is most likely the weight of the food inside of you. 1 lb= 3500 carloesi remember.

    take care xx

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